I have everything I wanted for the past six months. I got a job, Spence finally asked if I wanted to make things official, I’ve gotten fantasticly mind-blowing sex, my family and friends approve of Spence, my boyfriend’s friends like me, I’ve got a new official bro. I have so much to be happy for, but why do I feel like I’m going to fuck everything up at any given moment?
I keep over thinking. I keep wanting to do nothing more than lie down next to Spence and never move from his body heat again. And then other times I desperately want to push him down and have more mind-blowing sex.
Sometimes I want to just watch tv with his arms around me and other times I can do nothing but stare at his face, to run my fingers over his chest and through his beard.
Im scared of turning into this horribly depressed girl again after he leaves me. Just stuck missing him after so much happiness over the past few days.
I’m absolutely terrified of becoming like my grandparents, to grow old without having done something remarkable with my life and having either my partner or myself die and the other dying shortly thereafter of a broken heart. I mean is that what we have to look forward to? A life full of loss and sporadic spurts of joy and then death due to a broken heart.
Spence is going to be in my arms in a little less than 12 hours. 12 measly hours. I think I might die of pure exultation.
Achem, pardon my American, but fuck what anyone says about Spence, or us. I know it’s not like it’s news or anything, but I am so insanely in love with him. He just makes me so goddamn happy. No matter how low I am, no matter how sad or angry or annoyed I get he can always make me feel better. It’s done without effort, most of the time he never knew that I had been upset, he just calls and we talk, and that bubbly giggle that just wants to explode from my chest builds up and joy fills me. There aren’t that many people that know about us (I think) but some that do just don’t approve, they think me stupid, naive, and recklessly immature. They obviously can’t comprehend how much he means to me.