Curiously Curious

Go to heaven for the climate, Hell for the company

19 Jul

I’m so confused.

I have everything I wanted for the past six months. I got a job, Spence finally asked if I wanted to make things official, I’ve gotten fantasticly mind-blowing sex, my family and friends approve of Spence, my boyfriend’s friends like me, I’ve got a new official bro. I have so much to be happy for, but why do I feel like I’m going to fuck everything up at any given moment?
I keep over thinking. I keep wanting to do nothing more than lie down next to Spence and never move from his body heat again. And then other times I desperately want to push him down and have more mind-blowing sex.
Sometimes I want to just watch tv with his arms around me and other times I can do nothing but stare at his face, to run my fingers over his chest and through his beard.
Im scared of turning into this horribly depressed girl again after he leaves me. Just stuck missing him after so much happiness over the past few days.
I’m absolutely terrified of becoming like my grandparents, to grow old without having done something remarkable with my life and having either my partner or myself die and the other dying shortly thereafter of a broken heart. I mean is that what we have to look forward to? A life full of loss and sporadic spurts of joy and then death due to a broken heart.

11 Jan
There are strings… in the human heart that had better not be vibrated.

Charles Dickens