I wish I felt radiant. That I had that kind of beauty that just pours out of people with confidence and pretty grins. I suppose I could be considered cute, but I don’t feel all that attractive, despite what some may say. Spence though… He makes me feel beautiful. Like I’m this sexy goddess of beauty. No ones ever made me feel like that. I’m still insecure, but I feel like he legitimately means what he says, that his warm words are sincere, that to him, I really am a sexy, gorgeous, little cuteness just for him. It makes me smile.
Had the worst scare today. I thought Spence was so mad. And all I could think was “oh god we’re about to have our first fight and it won’t even be in person.” And then I wondered what I would do if he broke up with me? I can’t imagine a life without him in it. I just couldn’t do it. So many repressed tears today and so many were shed.
I’m so insanely exhausted. I’ve been sleeping on a painfully small and evil couch, squished next to Spence for the past week. We’ve barely gotten any sleep, but now he’s gone and I can sleep in my fabulously comfy bed again. But… the thought of sleep disgusts me. The idea of not having his warm, immovable body next to mine, his arms wrapped around me, his silly snores waking me up, it’s all unthinkable. I would rather never have a good nights sleep again on that couch (which I honestly hope I get to chop up and burn someday) as long as I were next to Spence than spend my nights alone in the most comfortable bed in the world. Not having him next to me just feels wrong.
Spence is going to be in my arms in a little less than 12 hours. 12 measly hours. I think I might die of pure exultation.
I’ve been getting so upset lately, so… sad. But, just skyping Spence for an hour and talking to him about a few little things have made me feel so much better. I can’t even stand how much he means to me. He just makes me so happy and I don’t think he even realizes how much.
His smile is contagious. He can make me laugh at almost anything. He makes me smile so much it hurts. He’s handsome and insanely sexy. But mainly, he’s the sweetest, kindest, and most caring man I’ve ever met. He’s not crude and stupid to women, he treats them with respect. When he says he cares… he means it. He’s not just like “Baby, I love you so much… now suck my dick.” like most of the guys I’ve met. He’s amazing.
Spence offered to pay to fly me out to see him for a week or two in July and it makes me want to cry. He’s so sweet and wonderful and I love him so fucking much and I miss him and I want to see him so badly… but I can’t. 1. I can’t let him pay that much for me. It’s just too much. 2. I still have to pay for college. By the time June rolls around I’m going to owe my parents $1000 and so far, I have nothing to show for it. I have no job and I need one. The only way of be able to go see him was if I were over the amount I owed them by then. But even if I were, I’d still (hopefully) have a job. And I can’t get that much vacation time and I can’t just quit a good paying job that gives me the money I need.
All i really want right now is to be in his arms. I feel like I’m going to go insane without him for much longer. But leaving is an impossibility. Fuck….
Seeing his face, and hearing his voice… well let’s just say there’s nothing like it. Nothing can keep me down for too long when I see him, when I hear him.